Archive for October 2nd, 2002

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Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002 at about 9:36 pm

Ah, not too sure what to say today. I had a few good things in my head earlier, but of course by the time I’m sitting here writing its because I’ve got nothing else to do and I’ve forgotten whatever interesting things might otherwise be keeping my mind occupied. So as it is, I have nothing terribly fascinating to throw to the 3 (or fewer) avid readers of this blog. However, I can fill it with useless crap like usual and hope no one notices (except that I just told you, so I guess there goes that hope).

I just got the urge for some mellow music. Dire Straights, “Brothers in Arms.” That should do it, nice sounds of an electric guitar and lyrics I can’t quite understand because he talks to low and slow at times. The way a mellow song should be. Not that it’s extremely mellow, but enough so. I don’t want to fall asleep just yet.

Today towards the end of lunch I went outside and climbed in the trees outside of the south entrance with Hannah and Stephen (is that how you spell his name? Not sure). I haven’t climbed a tree since I left New Jersey. I hate to get hung up on New Jersey, but I can’t help it for the moment, so as annoying as it is (and believe me, I realize how much of a pain it is) just bear with me. Or skip those bits of writing. But anyway, the point is I hadn’t climbed a tree for a while. And I really like climbing trees. I discovered this again this past spring. I started climbing the two big maple trees in our backyard. The way the house was situated on the sorta rolling hills I could see a decent distance from the top of one of those trees. I liked the view. Not sure why, maybe its some false religious pretense, or perhaps its the endorphins, but I’m just going to stick to the thought that I like being in trees. It’s rather nice to sit towards the top of a tree. You’re alone, protected, you’ve got a view and the tree is strong beneath you, lifting you up. Platform to…. wherever. And that’s the beauty of it, you feel like you can go anywhere. I wrote a poem about trees last spring. I won’t embarass myself further than I already have by writing it down, I barely even remember it. Just one or two lines, and it wasn’t that long. In my middle school we published a yearly anthology type thing of artwork and writing done by students and submitted. Many schools do it, it’s nothing out of the ordinary. I mention this because that’s what a wrote the poem for.

All right, so enough talk about trees. I’m so…. so tired. I’m always tired. It’s been going on for years, I guess it’s just me being a teenager. But it gets annoying at times. I can snap out of it and really focus if I have to, but I sometimes think how it would be cool if I could focus all the time, really be thinking all the time. But now that I think about it, that wouldn’t be so great. I’d probably go crazy. I can barely deal with letting my mind wander as it is.

It’s weird sometimes because I can feel my mind growing older. I can see these… I dunno, I can’t really see anything but like I’m thinking about things differently. If I let my mind wander it’s the same as it’s always been. But when people are telling me something I arrange it all funny in my head. It’s like, almost like, not really but sometimes, like I’m drawing flowcharts in my head. Sound retarded, I know, but its just that I’m thinking in a strange order. Like instead of spitting back information to myself suddenly it’s coming in chunks, and they’re connected to other chunks. I can’t tell if it helps me figure things out any quicker or slower, its just different. And I’m guessing, I’m assuming, that it’s just what naturally happens to the mind as it gets older. Or, another distinct possibility, my mind is starting to decay and has set itself into a self-destructive cycle. Things tend to happen in cycles in my head. I get caught up in these vicious sequences of depression or anger or what have you and it tends to sorta tear away and tear away and infect and infest until there’s nothing left. Then somehow it fixes itself. The entire process is a bit beyond my comprehension, I can only guess why it’s doing what it does, but I can observe the cycles. It can take moments, days, months, but it’s always repetative. Whatever the current state of emotion is, I’ll eventually come back to it, and whatever I’ve been through, I’ll go through again. This is enlightening, strange, and a little disturbing. Not exactly a revelation, but it’ll do.

Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper”: “Everyone’s got to face down the demons, maybe today… you can put the past away.” How true. There’s something to be said for perspective (a lot, actually, but that’s for another time). I’ll leave you with this, I’m done for the night, needle to your vein this time, there’s your fix now go get some sleep.

Posted in General
by tom