Archive for October 23rd, 2002

greener grass

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002 at about 10:28 pm

greener grass

I keep saying I’m done for the night, and then I read another blog and it forces me to post again because I have something to say.

Last Saturday I got an e-mail from the person who runs this website. She said she liked my site, and was kind enough to link to it. So you’ll notice that there’s a new site addition under the “Cool Shiznits” (I’ve got to do something about that title) section.

Anyway, the point is, today in that blog there’s a rather intriguing discussion about hope. What I feel the need to write about isn’t so much the hope, but more so the idea of wanting something badly and then not getting it. Especially when you know all along that you probably will never get it (ie, there’s a distinct lack of hope). In such a situation, I’m finding, if there is enough of a desire in me, it tends to become a very real thing in my head. And real-world events relating to that thing no longer seem to have a very prominent effect on my imagination about this thing, since it’s become cemented in my mind as a fantasy just the way I have imagined it. What I’m trying to say, essentially, is that when I want something badly enough I unconsciously begin to treat it as something that has happened. Not in my actions, but in my thoughts. I think this requires an example to be properly conveyed. So, for example, take girls. Being a teenage boy they occupy far more than their fair share of my mental capacity. And if I’m beginning to fall for someone, at a certain point in my head I begin thinking about what would happen if they liked me to, and so forth. So that my imagination creates scenarios based on this information (that the both of us like each other) rather than reality (that I just like her).

This was often very apparent last year. It affected me in another way worth mentioning, as well. I began to live for things that would never happen. I thought “hey, I think I should do this” (this being just about anything). And I’ll think about doing it, and I’ll think about doing it, and the more I think about it the less likely I am to actually do it. And then, suddenly, realization dawns upon me with blinding intensity: I’m never going to do this. And all that’s keeping me going at this point is a random collection of fantasies and hopes and wishes for things that will never, ever, happen, either for reasons beyond my control or simply because I will never be able to bring myself to do them. It’s a shocking, depressing, somewhat exhilarating realization. I don’t want to go through it any more.

Posted in General
by tom

on having a home

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002 at about 9:52 pm

on having a home

I was just reading the homeless guy’s blog. It fascinates me. First of all, considering this guy has been living in varying states of homelessness for the past 20 years, he’s rather well-spoken, and computer-literate, too. Of course, if I was homeless, the time I didn’t spend trying to survive would be spent reading and talking to people, so I guess I could find some time to learn HTML.

It’s interesting, on this guy’s FAQ site there’s a letter from a 16 year old girl to him. Among other things, she mentions living on the street for a few days just for the experience. I was thinking of doing exactly this at different times during the past 6 months or so. I figured that it was OK to live the sheltered life I did so long as I acknowledged the fact that the rest of the world was indeed out there. And one of the best ways to do this seemed like just hopping on a train to New York one Friday afternoon with a few bucks and coming home a few days later. Just as a chance to see something different, to find a breath of air where I might least expect one. But, alas, I didn’t. And it wouldn’t have been safe to, either. I don’t really know my way around New York (at all), and it’s far from a good idea to sleep on a park bench. It’s better than it used to be, but it still isn’t wise to go into Central Park after 9 at night.

Here, in this place, I’m confronted with a bit of another option. I could hop on my bike with a full back pack and just go. There’s just fields around here, I could follow country roads and see where things go. There isn’t anywhere to sleep, though, and even if I had money there isn’t much of anything to eat. So I guess this doesn’t really seem like such a liberating idea after all.

Interestingly enough, there’s also a few quotes on the homeless guy’s page. One of them is from The Grapes of Wrath, which I’m just about finishing up reading. I remember the quote, too. It’s appropriate on this guy’s page because it deals with poor people. But it’s quite easily expanded beyond this relatively simple pretext, onto much greater concepts in relation to all of humanity. Poverty is all in your head, it would seem. How often am I told in school that money cannot buy happiness, that the truly rich people are those who are happy, those who love, those who are loved. But then, I don’t think I’ve never been poor.

Dave Matthews Band is playing at Assembly Hall on December 14th. I really want to go to this concert. I saw them at Madison Square Garden last May; it was absolutely incredible. Just the crowd was reason enough to go. So many thousands of screaming (albeit often drunk or stoned) teenagers… the energy is incredible, intoxicating. I hope I can find some people, or even one person, to go with. Three of my friends (and one of my friend’s fathers, since our mothers trusted neither us nor the city enough to have us going alone) went with me last time; we had a great time. Maybe Ben will go with me, I talked to him today and he said he really wants to go except he’s not sure if he can justify the $50 ticket.

It’s odd, I’m not feeling terribly tired. Some of me is, in my limbs. But my eyes aren’t. And my mind is never tired on a regular schedule, it can be sharp as a tack when I’m physically exhausted and hopelessly sluggish when I need to twitch just to release some excess energy. But I’m slowly winding down for the evening. And I guess I’d better be moving along to bed at some point. Because, as my mother used to tell me when I was much younger, “tomorrow is another big day.”

Posted in General
by tom

8 million thyroid glands

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002 at about 8:37 pm

8 million thyroid glands

The West Wing is a rerun tonight. That kinda annoys me. But oh well, it’s only a TV show, it shouldn’t matter to me.

Shit, I just figured out that the Halloween dance is this Friday, not next Friday. That means that I need a costume within 48 hours. My dad said he might be able to take me down to Dallas & Company between 10 and 11 tomorrow, when I don’t have any classes. If I’m lucky they’ll have an Osama bin Laden mask, and I can just use a white sheet as a tunic type thing and I’ll be set. If not, I’ll need to find another costume there. I could be a skeleton, like Cordelia said. I’d look pretty ridiculous, but I guess that’s the idea. Oh well, hopefully there’ll be something decent that I can get.

My stupid blog isn’t loading. I don’t know why. Other people’s blogs still load just fine, but mine refuses to. Maybe it’ll fix itself. That would be nice. But so rarely do things fix themselves that I have to doubt it will. But maybe I’ll be lucky this time.

I still have to do the French homework from last night, since I temporarily lost my book yesterday. I found it at the end of school today on top of one of the coat racks, though. Which is fortunate. Anyway, that’s enough for tonight.

Posted in General
by tom

fine line between genius and insanity

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002 at about 6:51 pm

fine line between genius and insanity

Sometimes I think this comic describes Uni well:

whoops

For the moment I’ll leave you with that and I’ll post more later.

Posted in General
by tom