Archive for July 1st, 2003

loner

Tuesday, July 1st, 2003 at about 8:16 pm

My sister met a couple guys out on the beach over the past couple days, she went out for a bike ride with them just a little while ago. They seemed harmless enough, but that’s not really my point. It pisses me off, but has nothing to do with her or them, but simply with myself. I’ve always been a pretty shy kid. I’ve never been able to really do that kind of thing: the two guys came around looking for her so they could hang out, and the two of them had only met one another upon arriving here for the week as well. It maddens me, or rather I am angry with myself, because I have never had the courage or the willpower or the common sense to do that. It’s not for lack of desire: I would like to meet a couple kids down here, if only for the week, and be able to hang out with them. I can never meet people. I do it when I have to (that is to say, at school), and even there I’m not very much good at it. I can develop perfectly fine and open relationships with people, and I can talk with people I don’t really know, but I’m terrible at going and seeking out human company in the world. Within school bounds it’s a little different; we’re all stuck there so somehow that makes it easier. Also, there’s more time to do things gradually there. But, not in the real world. I was thinking, sometime, about how I plan on making friends when I’m an adult. After college my only way of finding others will be through work, if things stay the way they are. What else can I do? It doesn’t help much that my view of the world is seen through the distorting vision of the television, and my concept of it is, in actuality, quite limited.

My point in all this is that I’m terrible at being sociable in unknown environs. I can’t just spontaneously meet people. When I’m in a group of people I don’t know, especially when those people have some existing relationship, I’m generally lonely and miserable. And I hate this about myself. So, you say, change. If only it were that simple. I do not know how to change, for doing so would require a redefinition of myself and of the protocols I have for human interaction. So I tell myself that I have friends, I have a girlfriend, I’m not a loser who cannot talk to anyone, and try to force it out of my mind. It doesn’t always work so well.

Posted in General
by j. android

and every time she sneezes i believe its love

Tuesday, July 1st, 2003 at about 9:23 am

Zoë called at 4 o’clock this morning. I talked to her for two hours as I walked on the beach and watched the sun rise. I made it back to the house at about 6:30 to fall into bed and drift back to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, I don’t think I’ve ever been more comfortable in my life.

The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And everytime she sneezes I believe it’s love and
Oh lord, I’m not ready for this sort of thing

She’s talking in her sleep
It’s keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh lord, I’m not ready for this sort of thing

Her kindness bangs a gong
It’s moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It’s chasing me away She disappears and
Oh lord, I’m not ready for this sort of thing

- “Anna Begins” Counting Crows

Posted in General
by j. android