wasted days

I’m beginning to think all change is superficial. Nothing ever changes. Life goes on, right? Always does. And when it doesn’t, when people die, well, life goes on for everyone else. Nothing that happens and nothing you do makes any difference. Make new friends, make new enemies, fuck everyone over and go solo. Won’t change a thing, in the end. Break up, make up, fuck up, give up, give in, anything you fucking want. In the end life’s pretty much the same. When’s the last time something really happened that radically altered… anything? History repeats all right, to the point where I’m pretty much convinced the world is on endless rewind. Nothing but variations on God’s first and only symphony.

The lightening is out, the rain is coming pouring down the windows. I want to go outside and scare myself shitless, but I don’t feel like getting wet. In the end, we’re all slaves to convenience. I don’t remember the last time it really rained hard, especially during the day. But then, that isn’t saying much. Could have been last week, for all I know.

background noise: “fear” sarah mclachlan [hybrid super collider remix]

   ”winter’s here….”

I never write here anymore. It’s too bad, in many ways. I guess I just don’t feel like I need it, that’s all. Or no, not that I don’t need it. It’s just that instead of venting here, I talk to other people. Crazy concept, having conversations instead of writing stupid remarks on the internet for no one to read. My plan of only writing meaningful things here sorta failed, as I just stopped writing anything at all. Oh well. I don’t even feel like writing about my life anymore, that desire gets used up in writing e-mail to people. That and I don’t feel like putting anything interesting that happens on the Internet.

OK, enough of this. Should do my homework.

Mary, there is no hope for us
If this GM van don’t make it
across the state line
we might as well lay down and die

High school lasts 4 years. Lifespan for a baby girl born tomorrow is about 100 years now. For 4% of your life (ok so more, if you figure you won’t live to 100) it seems to be overly important? These self-destructive teenage years when you don’t know what the fuck to do with yourself, is this it? The rest of life sounds pretty boring, if our young and crazy days last so little. By the time you’re 25-8 or so (depending on schooling) you’re supposed to be settling down, getting a real job that you’re going to be essentially doing for the rest of your physically active life, getting married, whatever. I’m not trying to complain. In fact, that doesn’t sound so bad, if you get a job you actually like and marry someone who you understand and who understands you. And I’m not complaining about how it sucks to be a teenager, because I don’t think it is. The whole thing seems like a pretty good deal, with a little luck. All I’m trying to say is, fuck I feel alive, and I don’t want it to end. These are the days of mood swings that I can’t control and days that disappear, as well as days I can’t forget and people I’m struggling to understand. It’s all crazy, I can barely keep up sometimes, but it’s all right. Taking things as they come works better than I ever would have thought.

Went to two shows over the weekend on Saturday. It was a good time, the first being sorta docile hippie child type of thing and the second being a reasonably well attented hardcore show at the Red Herring. The hardcore show was more fun, but I liked the venue of the first. It was in the beer garden at Mike and Molley’s, in the afternoon when the sun cast shadows across this odd steel grate structure on the building behind the place. A wall of ivy on another side and our backs the the uncrowded street, too. I liked it, it felt like a little musical nook or something.

So Saturday was a good time. Sunday was an even better time, I got to relax in full. Today was back to the painful grind. I’ve got to go do my homework, but at least I don’t have that much. I wish my motherfucking books would come in for my history paper. It’s been a week, I think they must have gotten lost in cyberspace.

background noise: “We Laugh at Danger and Break All the Rules” Against Me!

It’s really self-serving, and I feel guilty about it, but sometimes being around other people who are angry or having a bad time of something when I’m happy just makes me happier. I dunno, it’s like, “Wow, that really sucks for them. Man, glad that isn’t happening to me!” How unfair life is.

background noise: “The Decline” NOFX

My parents have moved my curfew to 11:00. That’s kind of too bad. I guess it’s no loss, since I was home by midnight anyway, when my license expires. They basically wanted me home when they went to bed, but they go to bed so early (10-10:30) that at least they were kind enough to make it 11. I never really had a formal curfew before, it was more like every once in a while I’d come home and they’d be mad the next morning. There wasn’t even any rhyme or reason to this, I could come home at 1 and no problems, but midnight would be problematic at other times. Ah, whatever.

Cereal tastes good. It’s nice to have some food in the house. The whole tactic of waiting until there’s nothing to eat but shredded wheat and pop tarts to go to the grocery store is rather annoying, but since I don’t want to do it I don’t dare complain to my mother. Or actually I did, and she got mad, so I don’t anymore. Whatever, it’s not like I’m starving or care all that much.

Toothpaste For Dinner is pure genius.

background noise: “Lovers in Dangerous Time” Barenaked Ladies (aaah, pansy music)

Crazy days these are, my friends. How’s the pace of life for the rest of you?

Today sure felt like a Monday. It was a Tuesday, but what with the three day weekend it’s close enough. I ran the fastest mile of my life today. Which surprised me, considering I haven’t really moved in three months. It took me an hour and forty minutes to get home from the volleyball game, which I left early. I had a late dinner, wrote some e-mail, talked to Zoe for an hour, and now I’ve got to read the last four pages of the Odyssey before falling asleep. Which I had better do soon, or I’ll regret it at 6:30 tomorrow morning. I woke up before the alarm today. It was impressive. I just realized I didn’t blink for a while there, writing that. In Subway today I was just staring off into space feeling totally crazy. It was like an out of reality experience, if you can imagine what that might feel like. Nothing seemed like what it actually was, all of life at that moment (ie, the building, the people, the weather, the town) was exceedingly weird and didn’t feel right. I actually kinda enjoyed it. I’ve got to take a shit. Appropriate, since there’s not much food left in the house. I hope someone goes to the grocery store soon. I don’t have any money to buy food or gas at this point. For a snack a few minutes ago I had what was left of the Honey Bunches of Oats. Most of the cereal boxes in this house right now are at the point where there’s hardly anything left, so that you don’t want to throw it out but there’s really only half a bowl of crumbled flakes left to feast upon. So I ate half a bowl of nasty, pulpy cereal-derived paste. It wasn’t so bad. I’ve got to go figure out what “harangue” means, before taking that shit. I’m beginning to look forward to this bathroom break. It’s going to be a fun time. That moment, when it suddenly kinda hurts and you’re like, “Shit!” and suddenly you’ve taken a dump and you’re like, “Crazy!” Well, no it’s not really like that at all, but my plans to describe in detail what it was like to take a shit got stopped by the more intelligent side of my brain. Yea that’s enough of this.

Laying on my back on the concrete bench, looking up at the overcast sky between the frame of two trees that were just starting to get their hints of autumn color, I thought, “It’s getting colder.” That was the deepest thing I had thought of all day.

background noise: “Love Island” Fatboy Slim and “12,000 Suns” Astral Projection