wasted days

A busy halloween. After play practice I went trick-or-treating with some fellow cast members, including brief stops at Sensai’s house, Ms. Linders’ friend’s house, and Dairy Queen. Then off to the hardcore show, to stand around outside until Solo Mono played. Their set didn’t go that well, so it was really a bit of a waste. Now I’m back home, have a cup of tea at perfect temperature to soothe my aching throat, and at some point will go to bed. It’s comforting. It’s going to be a busy weekend.

Could everyone agree that
No one should be left alone

Indeed, no one should ever have to be alone. But we always will be left alone at some point in our lives, so why fight the inevitable? As cynical as that sounds, I actually believe it, to a point. That motivational speaker who talked last Monday did have a point - sometimes you’ve just got to suck things up and look at the bright side. Life is beautiful, if you look at it hard enough.

I feel so real

background noise: “take a picture” filter [hybrid remix]

Endorphin highs and little white lies, these days go by. I need to see a fucking mountain. I want to go somewhere for winter break, go skiing or something, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. But, I guess a lonely winter break in a frigid midwestern town can’t be so bad. Maybe I’ll get some of the things that I’ve been meaning to do done. If only I had anything to do. There goes my motivation, and inspiration is no substitute. Going through life asleep is no way to live. But what else am I going to do?

It’s almost the end of October. I guess we’ve had good weather, considering. It’s beautiful outside. I’m going to not like it so much when it’s cold, but for now I can still feel my hands most of the time. I’ve taken to living four days at a time, and as such am pretty content with the weather.

background noise: “Giving up giving in” Catch 22

Ah, what a great show last night. The 400 people I was hoping for didn’t show up, but about 100 did. So it wasn’t a complete bust (especially given the normal turnout at shows here). And it was a ton of fun. There was a great pit, I’m sore all over. After the first band with a real pit I realized I had blood all over my shirt, but at least it was from a cut on my arm and not someone else’s, I guess. So yea, that was fun. I wasn’t so happy with the fat people in the pit because they either didn’t move and blocked everything or, worse, did move, and getting run into by someone much much heavier than you isn’t always fun. But, whatever. I’m in a good amount of dull pain, and the music was good (for the most part) so I’m not complaining.

I have been in a no-new-music phase for too long now. I think I’m going to try to get into some new house/electronica stuff (starting yesterday with Faithless). We’ll see. Just new music in general I need.

And speaking of music, there’s this concert tomorrow night. The Unseen, and others, at the Courtyard. I admit I haven’t actually heard the music of any of the bands playing, but have heard some of the names, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m looking forward to it. I heard that they need 400 people to come just to pay the bands. I don’t know where the hell they’re going to come up with 400 people, unless a ton of people come all the way from Chicago, but that seems unlikely. It remains to be seen (get it, Unseen, pun? Nevermind) how many people will actually show up. Hopefully a lot, though. The more people who come to shows, the more fun it is.

background noise: “Woozy” Faithless

Man, no one is ever online at 7:30 in the morning. I wonder why.

background noise: “We Come One” Faithless

This is the morning of our love
It’s just the dawning of our love

I feel you
your precious soul
and I am whole

I feel you
your rising sun
my kingdom comes

                - “I feel you”

I’m having issues with expression. That sounds ridiculously inane and bluntly teenage, but, well, I think it’s true. I find myself drowning in emotions (good, bad, neutral, whatever) and having absolutely nothing to do with them. Changes in my life (however superficial) have led me to become somewhat self-contained, in the sense that I now tend to just sit there and go through emotional cycles and inward conflict with little or no outward output. And one of the reasons for that, methinks, is the stop to my writing here. I have nothing to write about in terms of my life. It’s not that there’s nothing happening, it’s simply that there is nothing that I feel like writing down here (or really anywhere else). While it previously entertained me to write detailed accounts of my days here, by now I have written enough so that such writings serve no function. If the nature of my life changes dramatically then perhaps that would warrant writing in that vein, but until then it’s of no use. So what do I write about? I want to write about something, it feels good and I enjoy it. Lately I’ve been taking to writing about not writing, but that obviously has a limited appeal.

This needs further thought. Perhaps written down, instead of solely in my head like everything else. I need to figure out what interests me and then try to talk about it. Only I sometimes get the sense that if I solely do that (that is, solely talk about topics that I come up with, rather than being open to other areas of discussion) no one will really care.

background noise: “Today was a Good Day” Ice Cube [remix]

I love fall. Well, not quite accurate. I love and hate it at the same time. I love these days where I watch the sun set and it looks amazing against the clouds, and when a cool wind blows leaves off of trees as I walk through a park alone. But there’s only so much to be said for death and being alone. The coming winter doesn’t frighten me, it just looks bleak. There’s another two weeks or so before all of the leaves are off of the trees. For these two weeks there is still all of this beauty, but after that who knows. I guess winter has its own sort of appeal. I used to love it, before I realized that here they don’t close the schools and you can’t go sledding.

But, fuck it. Generally the farther I look into the future the worse things look, so at this point I don’t really care that in two weeks everything will be dead. For now there’s still vibrance and a fucking orgasmic view of the trees. These days are all right, if you ignore the death.

background noise: “Haemoglobin” Placebo

I spent Saturday night making muffins and reading. It was so degrading. I don’t remember the last Saturday night I spent alone. But then I guess that’s healthy, to do something a little different. We need change. But how do you know you’re moving forward and not making things worse? Change seems like a risky venture to me, I’m just not the type. Too bad I live in this world. Change may be superficial, but it’s still always demanding. And it’s always forced upon me. I don’t really mind, I guess. It’s just the way things are. I tend to accept things. But only after a good deal of kicking and screaming.

background noise: “Passive Aggressive” Placebo